S1E5: The Treasure of Hillhurst Mansion

Original Airdate: September 11, 1996

Episode Synopsis:
How bad was this episode? Well, let’s just say my seven month hiatus wasn’t entirely caused by scheduling issues. We open with two men walking into the cemetery (that contains Vexor’s lair) lugging some large boxes. “We have to drop off this arcade game and then we can go,” says one of the movers. Apparently Tommy is still going strong even beyond the grave? One of the movers knocks on a tombstone, which he says is listed on the purchase order. “I’ve got a bad feeling about this,” says one of the movers a few hours too late. And rightfully so, because the grave suddenly opens up to reveal…Vincent Price! Wait, sorry, we aren’t that lucky. Instead, Noxic jumps out and begins to celebrate the delivery of his new toy.

One of the workers is thoroughly unimpressed by Noxic’s antics. “Whatever, just pay me and we’ll go,” says the worker. “If you want this game, you need money.” Oh right, I forgot to mention that the mover's name is John Galt. The argument escalates and leads to a fight between the two, with Noxic attempting to grab the machine. “Give me this game!” Noxic yells. “If you don’t, I’ll turn your life into one scary nightmare!” To which the mover replies, “If I do leave this game, my supervisor will make my life a scary nightmare!” To which I replied, “this entire scene has already turned my life into one scary nightmare!” The movers ultimately pack up the game and leave.

Defeated, Noxic returns to the lair, where Jara and Typhus ask for the game. Noxi tells them that they need “money,” which you find when “you get a job.” That doesn’t sound appealing to them until they realize that their job can do something that they love – like stealing money! I’m not sure what’s more unrealistic about this episode, monsters obsessing over a pinball machine, or the idea that you can actually get a job you love.

Back at Hillhurst, our heroes hang around Flabber, who lets off a bunch of sneezes. “I must have some kind of bug,” he says, and if you don’t know a bug pun is coming at this point then you should probably stop reading. Naturally, he sneezes out a spider but he at least advances the plot a bit by pulling out a handkerchief which is actually . . . a treasure map! The kids gather around and see that a big X is drawn on a map of the mansion. Roland is particularly excited because “it’ll make us rich – richer than Trip and Van!” Everyone dreams about the possibilities, with Flabber joking about living the “lifestyle of the rich and flabbulous.” Between the economics lessons and Robin Leach references, I can just tell kids ate this episode up.

Before searching for the actual treasure, however, the Beetleborgs decide to stop in at Zoom Comics to “pick up supplies,” such as “forced plot devices.” There, they run into Trip and Van, who hear the discussion of becoming rich. Jo tells them about the treasure map while Roland brags that “after we find the treasure, you’ll be small potatoes.” They continue to celebrate while Van secretly steals the map from Jo’s back pocket.

Meanwhile, Noxic runs around town looking for money but can’t seem to find anyone with the cash he needs. “There must be someone in this town with money!” he yells. Suddenly, he sees Trip and Van, who boast about their new treasure map because nobody in this show knows how to shut their trap. “If we don’t get the treasure,” says Van, “then the dweebs will, then they’ll get a large house, a limo, and there goes the neighborhood.” Is anyone else getting a weird class warfare vibe from this episode?

Noxic returns to Jara and Typhus and tells them about the map and the treasure in Hillhurst. Jara expresses concern about the Beetleborgs stopping them, but Noxic says they’ll be busy fighting the “mean, green fighting machine” pulled from a comic. Oh god, the last thing this boring episode needs is Ang Lee’s Hulk.

Back at the manor, Jo realizes she doesn’t have the map. The kids realize Trip and Van must have stolen it, but before they can act, they are attacked by a green machine with a cannon called – I’m not making this up – Green Cannon Machine! The Beetleborgs use their Beetle Binders and transform. We then have a standard fight in a junkyard for some reason, but ultimately Green Cannon “My Friends Call Me Dave” Machine gains the upper hand.

Pretty much what you'd expect from a green cannon machine.

We then return to Trip and Van, who decide to take their limo to Hillhurst. Unfortunately, they don’t move. “Dudley, this isn’t Driving Miss Daisy – step on it!” yells Van, who I’m guessing is really proud of that sick reference. The limo screeches forward and erratically speeds over to the manor. There they discovery that the driver is actually . . . Jara! She takes the map from the frightened boys and runs out. The monsters then convene and begin digging outside, only to realize that Typhus has been reading the map upside down, and that the treasure is actually inside the mansion! 

The fighting continues between Dave and the Beetleborgs, who eventually use their Beetle weapons just in time for the holiday season to destroy the machine and send it back to the comic. They return to the house and scare away the monsters before they can enter Hillhurst. As they run away, they drop the map.

Back inside, both the Beetleborgs and house monsters argue for control of the map until it rips. Roland decides that before any further damage can be done, it would be best for everyone to agree to share the map and any treasure they find. “This is the beginning of a Flabtastic friendship,” says Flabber, as he continues to murder the golden age of cinema. They follow the directions until they end up in a room with two chests. Jo then reads a riddle from the map:

     Before you are two treasure chests, and you must pick the right one.  Choose wisely and you get the treasure, choose poorly and you get none.

Drew decides to let Frankenbeans pick the chest, and he picks the one on the right. Drew then decides to open the other one because she’s a bad person. They slowly approach the treasure and open it to reveal . . . yellow slime! While Drew, Jo, and Roland express their dismay, the monsters celebrate their find. Flabber explains “one person’s slime is another person’s treasure!” before sneezing into the map.

Lesson of the Episode:

If you need money, don’t stoop to stealing. Or writing for Big Bad Beetleborgs.

90's Reference of the Episode:

Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, back pockets.

Joke of the Episode:

“Did I hear anyone say ‘rich’?” asks Trip, overhearing the Beetleborgs. “You must be talking about me!” “If we’d been talking about you,” responds Jo, “you’d have heard to words ‘mentally challenged.’” Cruel but funny. But mostly cruel.

Overall Review:

Coherent plot points? We don’t need no stinkin’ coherent plot points.

S1E4: The Ghost is Toast

Original Airdate: September 10, 1996

Episode Synopsis:
The camera pans over to Charterville Video, where we see a number of screaming customers run out of the store. Don’t laugh, the 90’s were a scary time for video rental late fees. They are followed by Typhus, Jara, and Noxic, who exclaims how happy he is that “they have Attack of the Slimeball!” I guess Waiting for Guffman was taken?  They suddenly look down the street and see . . . a parade! “I love a parade,” lies Typhus, as the three monsters decide to check it out.

We move to the parade where we see a large crowd of people following a car with a decal: “Dr. Buster Zapper, Phasm Blaster.” The man pulls up in front of Zoom Comics and walks in, where we find Jo, Drew, and Roland. In front of a large crowd, he introduces himself as Dr. Zapper, a “paranormal exterminator” who claims he will “take care of the ghosts- I’m talking goblins, I’m talking vampires, ghouls, and phasms.” Grandma Nano expresses her skepticism – a rational reaction – by exclaiming “I’ve seen rain and I’ve seen shine, baloney and slime, but you have to go,” – a terribly irrational reaction. 

Suddenly, Trip and Van enter the store and exclaim that they were the ones who hired Dr. Zapper so that he can go to Hillhurst manor and destroy the ghosts inside. I think I can speak for everyone when I say oh God please succeed.

Our heroes run out of the store and decide that they need to warn Flabber. Seeing that the Beetleborgs are distracted, Typhus, Jara, and Noxic decide to call in a monster – Terror Bear, a large bear that holds two maces who (we’re told) eats people. Oh bother. Unfortunately, they find that the bear is just interested in normal food – for example, he approaches a man on a bike and steals a popsicle from his hand. “You’re supposed to eat people, not ice pops!” exclaims Noxic. 

Drew, Jo, and Roland run into Hillhurst manor and find Flabber playing the organ, because inviting children to an abandoned home wasn't creepy enough. They warn him of the exterminator, which Flabber carefully considers before acting in a decisive manner. Just kidding! He obviously launches into his usual few minutes of shtick that I won’t detail because nobody should have to go through that.

Dr. Zapper arrives at the manor and gives Trip and Van “ghost meters,” which can apparently point out paranormal activity. They detect a “large infestation” inside and decide to enter. Jo, seeing them approach, holds the door down while Flabber warns that the intruders might make the house monsters angry. We also cut to Typhus, Jara, and Noxic holding a man as a hostage and dressing him like a hot fudge Sunday. However, the bear only licks the chocolate and whipped cream off of him, much to their chagrin. Seeing that their plan isn't working, the monsters decide to lure the bear towards Hillhurst manor with a donut on a string. Even Werner Herzog is cringing at this. 

Jo releases the door and hides with the others as Dr. Zapper, Trip, and Van enter the manor. They set up a “phasm blaster” – a large, advanced-looking laser weapon – and fire it.  However, the machine sputters and fails to activate. Flabber declares that “something is fishy in this here pond” because he “didn’t feel any energy from the blaster” and “I can only talk in strings of phrases from the 1970’s.” Flabber peeks into the room and sees Dr. Zapper tweaking the machine. Trip asks how he knows when he’s hit a ghost, to which Dr. Zapper responds:

     “The smell, you never forget it. Like the stink of a skunk squashed flat 
      on the highway.”

I guess Colonel Kilgore has fallen on some hard times. When the boys turn and continue searching the walls with their ghost meters, Dr. Zapper pretends to fire the weapon and secretly sprays a can of “canned skunk” which is definitely not a thing. Trip and Van take a whiff and begin to celebrate what they are fooled into believing is a dead ghost.

Still more believable than Dr. Oz.

Flabber returns and tells the Beetleborgs that Dr. Zapper is a phony, while warning that the noise he’s making is going to wake the monsters up. They run to warn Trip and Van but encounter the bear, who has arrived from the maiden fair. The bear cries “I want food” and gets closer to the kids. Suddenly, Drew realizes that he is only interested in the chocolate bar being held by Van, which they use to lure the bear out of manor. The kids then transform into Beetleborgs and attack the bear, likely in violation of various federal hunting laws. Eventually, they start tickling him into submission (Werner Herzog has officially stopped watching) before beating him down. They combine their blasters and send the bear back into the comic.

Back at the manor, Dr. Zapper tries to fix his blaster – which he knows is fake so none of this makes sense – and fires it again, causing a large explosion. He declares that the “ghosts are now toast” but Flabber shows up, along with Mums, Frankenbeans, and Count Fangula (now awake from the noise), which scares Dr. Zapper out of the house. He returns to Zoom Comics and starts screaming about ghosts. While in a frenzy, he turns around and encounters someone in a monster mask, which scares Dr. Zapper out of the store and out of town. The mask is taken off to reveal . . . Grandma Nano! “When you got a problem, who you gonna call?” she asks. “Nano!” the townspeople respond as the episode fades.

Lesson of the Episode:

Turns out we might be better off without Ghostbusters 3.

90's Reference of the Episode:

Ghostbusters references; animal abuse.

Joke of the Episode:

None, actually. Or, rather, none worth subjecting your tender eyes to.

Overall Review:

Busting this episode makes me feel good.

S1E3: TNT For Two

Original Airdate: September 9, 1996

Episode Synopsis:
Continuing the trend of Vexor’s minions – Typhus, Noxic and Jara –enjoying food in the real world, we open to find them running through Charterville in search of scraps. They encounter a garbage man, scaring the pants off of him (literally), and proceed to start eating the contents of the dropped garbage bags. “We will find something to eat if we have to tear this whole city apart!” the monsters declare, in what has got to be the worst case of the munchies I’ve ever seen.

Back at Zoom Comics, the Drew and Jo work around the store while Roland is caught slacking off because that’s what happens when you employ children. “Sorry,” he says, “but the latest issue of Beetleborgs is so cool!” Trip and Van then enter and ask Heather out for ice cream. Jo, teasing them about last episode’s cowardice in Hillhurst Manor, tells them to watch out because they might be too afraid of the “hot fudge." Grandma Nano comes over and, being the responsible adult figure, reprimands Jo for making fun of the boys for rationally running away from a house filled with monsters and a creepy man who beckons young children. Just kidding! She actually helps remind the boys that they were the ones who dared the others to go to Hillhurst Manor, “and then you wimped out.” Who says bullying can’t be fun for all ages? The boys claim that they weren’t afraid but quickly run out of the store.

We then cut to the exterior of Hillhurst Manor, where we see Trip and Van hand a roll of money to two men. Trip tells them that he wants the house demolished. “You kids sure you know what you’re doing?” one of the workers asks, thereby teaching kids the dangers of unions. Trip tells them not to worry because “it’s been abandoned for years – nobody owns it.” Oh no, the Beetleborgs’ toughest enemy yet – adverse possession!

Inside the manor, Flabber sees the men approach with explosives in hand and begins to cry. Seeking help, he calls the other monsters to attention. Just to show you how committed to this blog I am, I even looked up their actual names on Wikipedia – Count Fangula (who drinks "Blood Lite"), Frankenbeans (heh), and Mums. We are also introduced to a fourth monster – Ghoulum – a large talking statue who somehow manages to be even more boring than a real statue. Flabber calls the troops together and declares “we need a plan!”

Back at Zoom Comics, Flabber suddenly appears in a box of basketball cards. Most annoying Upper Deck collection ever. He asks that the Beetleborgs return to the manor as soon as they can to held fend off the intruders. As they head over, however, they encounter Typhus, Noxic and Jara, who are now eating hot dogs from an overturned cart. Drew and Jo suggest that Roland use his super speed to go to the house while they hold off the monsters. Drew uses his mind power to lift a conveniently placed bowl of gumballs and spills them onto the floor, tripping all three. Jo then uses her super strength to push a street pole onto the three of them.

Meanwhile, the two-man demolition crew enters the house. Flabber sees them enter and sits on a nearby couch thinking about what to do, though I use the term “thinking” as broadly as one can and still cover a montage of impressions, dances, and cackling. Finally, he decides that he should put the monsters to use and scare them away! The men get closer to Ghoulum, which they realize is alive and begin to run away. We then proceed with a Benny Hill-style chase through various rooms of the house that's exactly as entertaining as it sounds. Thankfully, Roland shows up and is let into the house by Flabber, who explains that he's been “stressed” by the situation. He also realizes that Van is to blame and vows to “Flabberize him,” though he first asks “is that legal in this state?” Someone should probably tell him that "Flabberizing" children is the kind of thing that gets you onto a registry.

We cut back to more chasing until the men finally leave the house. However, Typhus, Noxic and Jara, apparently recovering from their near-decapitations, make their way over to the house as well. They see the leftover box of dynamite and, thinking that the sticks are food, decide to bite into them. Naturally, they explode in their faces, leading Typhus to comment that they have “too much of a kick for my taste!” They then see Drew and Jo join Roland in the house, and decide that they need to call in reinforcements – Magnavore Jets! The jets appear and begin firing on the mansion.

Ducking for cover, Drew realizes that if the monsters can call in help from the comics, then the Beetleborgs should be able to call for their own help –including the Beetleborg A.Vs! Using their Beetle Binders, the team morphs into Beetleborgs, and Drew calls in the Beetle Battle Base, which suddenly appears – and just in time for the holiday season! Inside, the Beetleborgs go into their respective machines – the Blue Stinger, Green Hunter, and Red Striker – and roll out.

We then actually get to see a decent fighting scene for once, with the Beetleborgs fighting and eventually blowing up the fighter jets. Meanwhile, Flabber transports the leftover dynamite elsewhere and sets a long fuse. The three monsters see it and follow the burning through a large field until they end up at a whole set of boxes of dynamite, which explode. Apparently we’ve discovered a fourth Beetleborg – Chuck Jones!

Back at Hillhurst, the Beetleborgs celebrate their victory with Flabber. Suddenly, Count Fangula enters and asks the kids to stay because – and I swear this is verbatim – “it’s not every day that we have a visit from three, healthy, attractive, warm-blooded children.” He chases the kids out as Flabber laughs on and I call Benson and Stabler.

Lesson of the Episode:

I guess parents were really trusting of their kids back in the day?

90's Reference of the Episode:

Creepy old men luring children to abandoned houses; vampire puns.

Joke of the Episode:

The two workers encounter Count Fangula, who says that he wants to drink their blood – “you’re just my type!”

Overall Review:

I am really struggling to describe just how freaking annoying Flabber can get. In a 20 minute episode, his antics take up at least 7-8 minutes, and his references – in just one viewing I caught John Wayne, Elvis, and Michael Jackson - probably caused more confusion than entertainment for kids. Also, the lack of parental supervision is getting creepier by the day.

S1E2: Beetle Rock, Part II

Original Airdate: September 7, 1996

Episode Synopsis:
When we last left Drew, Jo, and Roland, we were questioning how the existence of God was compatible with the existence of this show. Specifically, we watched as the three heroes were transformed by Flabber into rats. Realizing his mistake, Flabber reverses the transformation and instead turns them into Big Bad Beetleborgs! Jo is transformed into the Red Beetleborg and now possesses a “striker blaster,” Drew is transformed into the Blue Beeleborg with a “stinger blade” and Roland is transformed into the Green Beelteborg with a “hunter claw.” Best I could tell, the only power these weapons gave was to guilt parents into shelling out $19.99 each. Suddenly, the three knockoff monsters - the Frankenstein, Dracula, and skeleton - burst into the room and attack the Beetleborgs, but the kids use their new powers to quickly chase them away. Suddenly, the Beetleborg comic book cover glows again and emits three fireballs, which fly around the room and then out of the house. Looking at the cover, the gang realizes that not only were the Beeleborgs cut out, but the bad guys as well!

Most kids were only in it for the rats anyways.

The fireballs make their way into town, where they transform into three villains - Typhus, Noxis and Jara. They celebrate their newfound freedom and decide to “do some three dimensional damage” by summoning “Magnavore” fighters, which are some weird jet fighters that fly in and start blowing up the town. About as exciting as it sounds.

Back at the house, the Beetleborgs realize that the bad guys have been released, and a repentant Flabber realizes he “made a boo boo” by not guarding the comic book during the earlier fight with the house monsters. I’m not sure “boo boo” would be the first term to come to mind when describing the release of monsters that have killed hundreds of townspeople, but let’s not argue semantics.

Back in town, the monsters consider doing even more damage but decide to hold off until they rendezvous with their master. Before leaving, however, the monsters decide to do some “sightseeing in town,” which consists of frolicing around scaring the town’s inhabitants. They eventually come across a sign for a monster movie, and enter the packed theater to watch Nosferatu. The monsters, having never eaten before, become obsessed with their neighbor’s popcorn and cause a ruckus until the audience notices them and runs out in a panic. See kids? Those “locate the nearest exist” PSAs aren't so lame after all. The monsters stay behind to continue eating popcorn because nobody does anything in this show. Case in point, we cut back to a short scene of Flabber continuing to mope over his mistake while our heroes look on.

The monsters finally teleport to a cemetery, where a grave opens up to reveal the true villain- Vexor! They all go into the grave and end up in a secret lair. In it, Vexor explains that they have made the transition into the real world, but that they must deal with the Beetleborgs, who “will stop at nothing” to get them back into the comic. Which we’ve clearly established, as we again cut to the mansion where the kids continue to stand around.

Vexor comes up with a plan - return to the mansion and attack the Beetleborgs! To their credit, the monsters request a few more specifics, but Vexor dismisses them because any time we had to establish a coherent plot was wasted when we spent 5 minutes watching monsters eat popcorn in a movie theater. They return and begin to attack, but the kids realize they don’t know how to turn into Beetleborgs! Flabber jumps in and explains that they can transform by whistling three notes, which is also how they gain access to the Forest Temple. Once they all whistle, something called a “Beetle Bonder” appears in their hands and allows them to transform. A fight ensues, and the monsters are promptly defeated. Vexor expresses his frustration but explains that as long as the doorway to the comic book world is open, he can call in more forces to attack. 

Later, still at the mansion, the kids lose track of Flabber. They search for him but instead discover a cat, which starts to talk. What. It’s OK - turns out it’s just Flabber, who has transformed into a cat! “A cool cat’s gotta roll,” Flabber explains, and then details a trip to “the lady down the street” who gave him a “nice saucer of milk.” 

After what I assume is some off-screen vomiting and calls to their respective agents, the kids tell Flabber how relieved they are that they no longer have to deal with the monsters, but Flabber explains that they won’t truly be safe until they are returned to the comics and that as a result, “you’ll just have to keep being Beetleborgs!” The kids don’t seem to mind at all, but as they leave, they realize that they have residual powers - Drew has the power to use his mind to move objects, Jo has super strength, and Roland has supersonic speed. However, Flabber warns that the kids shouldn’t tell people about their new abilities in order to protect their identities. So a strange older man hangs out with small kids in an abandoned house and tells them not to tell anyone about it. And here I was thinking Nosferatu would be the scariest part of this episode.

Back in town, the kids return to Zoom Comics where they meet Nano, who declares that “my chili is good and ready to eat!” What. Suddenly, Trip and Van drive up in their limo. Jo brags that they lost the bet but Trip lies by claiming that they actually stayed in the house longer and are therefore the real winners. Drew, seeing a bucket of water on a scaffolding overhead, uses his new brain power to violate OSHA dump the water on the brothers.

Lesson of the Episode:

Nothing good ever comes out of hanging out with creepy old men in abandoned houses, except for the occasional power to control things with your mind.

90's Reference of the Episode:

Creepy old men luring children to abandoned houses.

Joke of the Episode:

Trip asks Heather if she’d like to take a “drive to the lake,” to which Heather responds “only if you’ll jump in it!” Before you yell at me, keep in mind that even this selection was a desperation pick.

Overall Review:

It was a pretty interesting jump from TTAFFBH to this show. BBBB is clearly more kid friendly and far more focused on humor than actual fighting or social conflict. However, although the initial contrast was refreshing, it became clear early on that the slapstick would become tiresome, especially when I know the heroes have interesting powers they aren't using. That fear became reality early in this episode. By the end of this 40 minute (!) pilot I even began missing TTAFFBH, with its more adult themes and actual emphasis on plot structure and conflict/resolution. There's obviously still room to grow with 86 episodes remaining and I tend not to judge a series on its pilot, but the early results are not promising. Also, why are there rats on the cover.

S1E1: Beetle Rock, Part I

Original Airdate: September 7, 1996

Episode Synopsis:
The series opens, naturally, in a haunted mansion, where two unnamed children scream as they run out the front door. OK, so I guess we’re in Detroit. One drops his cell phone but they decide to leave it as they run into a nearby limo and are driven away. The phone is slowly pulled into the house by a large, monstrous hand with claws.

We then cut to the town of Charterville, where we are introduced to Drew and Jo McCormick who bike through town to the local comic book store, Zoom Comics. Outside, they meet up with Roland Williams, who is chasing the man in black working on a magic trick. They discuss buying the latest issue of their favorite comic book, Big Bad Beetleborgs, until Drew asks if someone named Heather is working that day. Jo and Roland poke fun at Drew for having a crush on her. Suddenly, a motorcycle pulls up, driven by none other than Nano, Roland’s grandmother! All four walk in and Nano is immediately chastised by her son (and Roland’s father), Aaron, for biking through a neighbor’s “prized tomato patch…again!” I double checked and no, Tyler Perry did not write this episode.

Drew approaches Heather, who works at the store, and tries to get her attention. He picks up the nearest reading material in an attempt to be incognito, but ends up picking up a ballet magazine (“Ballet and You”). Not really sure what a ballet magazine was doing in a comic book store, but the gang laughs it off so I guess I will too.  Jo tells Drew that he should ask Heather to the dance, but Drew declines. Instead, he wishes that he was “the blue Beetleborg” and commences with a dream sequence in which he imagines saving Heather, dressed as a damsel in distress. He shows up on horseback and defeats the monsters holding her captive, while throwing in quips like “Have a nice trip?” For those keeping score, it took 10 minutes into the pilot to get our first pun. Heather and blue Beetleborg Drew embrace, but he wakes up from day dream.

Meanwhile, two additional kids come into the store- Trip and Van, wealthy brothers who we earlier saw run out of the haunted house! Trip gives a rose to Heather and, when he takes candy from the jar on the counter, assures her that he doesn’t have to pay because his father owns the building. “You have friends in high places,” Trip brags. The brothers then turn their attention to Drew, Jo and Roland, who they mock for buying “infantile” Beetleborgs comics. Things escalate quickly, and illogically, when Trip brags that they “couldn’t last a minute in the Hillhurst Estate.” They explain that they had visited the night before and were willing to do it again, but Heather warns that it is haunted and “too many weird things have gone down there.” Drew decides to impress Heather by challenging Trip and Van to go to the house and see who can last the longest. They all agree to the contest.

All five kids show up at the estate and enter the house, where they decide to split up. Jo and Roland walk up the stairs where they see a painting with doves. When they turn around, real doves fly out of the painting! Joe and Roland, now seeing the painting without any doves in it, chalk it up to the wind, thereby illustrating a lack of basic understanding of the arts, wind, and reality in general.

Eventually, Jo enters a room and finds what she calls “a box of junk.” Suddenly, a mummy pops out and asks “who are you calling junk!” He takes off his wrappings and shows that he is really a skeleton monster! Jo screams and runs away. Honestly, the only thing that would make this episode worse is if Scrappy Doo showed up. Meanwhile, Trip and Van enter a separate room where they decide to play a prank. They pull out monster costumes and begin to wander the house, intending to scare the others. Little do they know that there is a monster…right behind them! This time, they encounter a Frankenstein-like monster, who begins to chase the two while attempting to return their cell phone from earlier in the episode. Whoa, slow down there with the callbacks, Agent Kujan! They then encounter a Dracula monster and are finally chased from the house, thereby losing the contest.

The other kids find a place to hide but a spider crawls up Roland’s leg, causing him to scream. This gives up his position, and Frankenstein soon corners them. However, Drew accidently pulls a lever that opens a secret door behind them. They quickly enter and discover yet another room with a large organ, which Jo thinks is “cool” because who didn’t love pogs, Pokémon, and organs when they were kids? She stumbles onto the organ, which begins to electrify and glow. Suddenly, three spirit women pop out and, after some build up, introduce Flabber, a character that can best be described as a mix of Robin Williams, Jay Leno, and Elvis, though obviously not nearly as compelling as either of the three. He proceeds to do a disjointed standup routine, with intermittent breaks to sing bits of James Browns’ “I Feel Good.” OK, I don’t care what IMDB says, Tyler Perry definitely wrote this episode.

In what will likely be one of the few occasions where I and the kids are on the exact same page, the three get bored and decide to leave. Flabber pleads with them to stay, and introduces himself, saying that “Flabber’s the name, magic and music is my game.” OK, well at least he isn’t selling insurance.  He explains that because the kids released him from the organ, they get one wish. Jo suggests the obvious- that Fox not pick up this show. JK! She actually she suggests that they become Beetleborgs. Flabber doesn’t know what those are but looks at the comic to get an idea, and sees a picture of rats on them. No, I don’t know why there are rats on the cover, though after the Spiderman Clone Saga and Superman Blue, I’m willing to believe anything about 90’s comic book storylines. Flabber, rather than turning them into Beetleborgs, turns them into rats as the “To Be Continued…” banner appears on screen.

A real collector's item.

Lesson of the Episode:

If you're gonna watch Fox Kids, you're better off with The Tick.

90's Reference of the Episode:

Drew asks that Trip “not be such a drip.” 

Joke of the Episode:

I’d post a few but you’d never want to come back to this blog again.

Overall Review:

Good lord, there are 87 more of these?

S1E6: Three Cheats to the Wind

Original Airdate: November 7, 1994

Episode Synopsis:

Emperor Gorganus begins the episode by explaining his new plan, which involves sending a new monster- Octodroid! The monster, we’re told, has the power to “change all water on Earth to salt water.”  Wait, is Gorganus trying to take over the world or shill for Ahava? Octodroid is then teleported to Earth, where he begins his reign of terror by stomping around.

Meanwhile, at the coffee shop in Beverly Hills, we find that Drew is distracted from her work because she’s terrible at her job. Also, she has a paper to write, but complains that with Nimbar’s constant calls, she hasn’t had time to work on it. Gordon commiserates, as he too hasn’t had time to “outline the textbooks for my classes.” Strange, I didn’t know Professor Kingsfield taught in Beverly Hills. 

The topic of Drew’s paper is “Heroism in Classic French Revolutionary Literature,” and she has decided to write a paper on Les Misérables. Drew explains that the book’s hero, Jean Valjean, is on the run from the law even though he is “totally innocent” but that “no matter what happens, he doesn’t compromise his values.” Oh sorry, SPOILER ALERT! When the rest of the team suggests that Drew simply wing it, as she often does, Drew explains that the paper counts for 60% of her grade, so she has to take it seriously despite her belief that grades are “bourgeois.” Great, looks like she’s already got the whiny French student part of the story down pat.

Later, Gordon and Swinton complain that their coffee is salty, but Drew says that they should “take it up with the manager” because good lord why does she still have a job. Their tattoos begin to glow and the team jumps into the nearby portal. Upon their arrival in his lair, Nimbar explains to the teenagers that Octodroid is destroying all plant life on earth and that, as a result, there won’t be any oxygen left! The team quickly transforms and teleports into battle, where we quickly see that Drew brought her paper along with her. I can only imagine how many kids ran out to buy a Special Edition Drew 24601 action figure after this episode. The Galactic Sentinels promptly defeat Octodroid, but not before he takes Drew’s paper. 

The pinnacle of suspense: stealing book reports from teenagers.

Back at school, Drew laments the loss of her report, which is due in an hour. However, we are told after an immediate cut that Drew decided not to hand in a paper at all. She confides to Laurie that since the teacher takes a while to grade papers, she won’t notice that Drew’s own report is missing. Once the teacher discovers that she doesn’t have Drew’s submission, however, Drew plans on saying that she handed it in and that the teacher just “ditzed” and lost it. Unfortunately, the teacher appears immediately and threatens to fail Drew, but nevertheless gives her one day more to hand in her paper. 

At the pool house, Drew struggles to get any ideas onto the page, and says she can’t remember anything she wrote in her earlier draft. Gordon offers his own inspiration by suggesting that Drew order a pre-written essay from a mail order company. As he explains-

      Bottom line, school is a business. Our parents pay with our taxes and 
      in return, they provide us with a product, i.e. grades. Now if they are 
      paying good money, you deserve grades you’re satisfied with.

Always nice to see a Harvard man. Gordon presents a catalog that conveniently has a section on Victor Hugo, and Drew places an order. Laurie argues against cheating but Drew justifies her decision because “I actually wrote the paper but lost it saving the universe.” Do you hear the people sing, singing the song of bored men?

Meanwhile, Gorganus fixes Octodroid so that he now understands the binary language of moisture vaporators can shoot a ray that sucks moisture from whatever it hits, including human beings! Octodroid is then sent back to the planet, where he begins attacking a nuclear power plant. The team is called back by Nimbar, who informs them that Octodroid is absorbing the plant’s cooling water, which protects the nuclear rods. The Sentinels transform and again start to fight, only to get hit by Octodroid’s beam. Oh no, the Galactic Sentinels’ only weakness- dehydration! Of course, they manage to solve the problem with a mix of electrolytes and Knightron, who sends Octodroid back running to Gorganus. Lechner suggests destroying the monster because “he isn’t worth his salt anyways” and I literally threw a shoe at my TV.

The group returns to the coffee shop, where Drew is delivered a package containing her paper. However, she decides not to give in and says that she will deal with the consequences. As she puts it-

     The true mark of a hero isn’t the accomplishments he does or the 
     station in life at which he arrives. It is the selfless pure good that he 
     does. It is the feats of courage and the nobility of purpose. Jean 
     Valjean in Victor Hugo’s Les Misérables embodies all of these 
     benevolent qualities.

Drew suddenly realizes that she remembers her initial paper word for word! Swinton reminds the team of Nimbar’s warning that portal travel can create “strange side effects,” such as convenient plot devices, which might explain Drew’s sudden memory enhancement. She begins dictating her essay to Swinton, who types the paper on his laptop, and the episode fades to black, the dark of ages past.

Lesson of the Episode:

Just play it safe with Catcher in the Rye.

90's Reference of the Episode:

Gordon, hearing Drew’s synopsis of Les Misérables, jokes that the story was lifted from The Fugitive. Or is this the 60’s reference of the episode?

Joke of the Episode:

After Nimbar explains that Octodroid is trying to salinize all water on earth. Gordon responds “Salanize? What’s he gonna do, make us get all water from beauty parlors?” Salanize, salonize, get it? Kill me.

Overall Review:

I dreamed a dream that this episode wouldn’t be so boring, but life has killed the dream I dreamed.

SCHEDULING NOTE: I think it’s time to take a break from the Galactic Sentinels. See you next time with Big Bad Beetleborgs!

S1E5: Perceptions

Original Airdate: October 31, 1994

Episode Synopsis:

After his mandatory episode-opening rant about the Galactic Sentinels, Emperor Gorganus exclaims that he has found his perfect monster: Slaygar, the toxic waste monster! Lechner, Gorganus’ bird sidekick, praises Gorganus and the selection, and exclaims “he’ll raise a stink!” Oh Lechner, you Slaygar me! The monster is teleported to Earth, where he proceeds to start shooting out a green mist.

Meanwhile in Beverly Hills, Swinton is approached by a pretty classmate named Kathy, but he freezes up when she tries talking to him.  After she walks away, Swinton explains to Drew, who witnessed the scene, that he was attempting to ask Kathy out, to which Drew responds:

     That was a sad imitation of a choking chicken!

Though something tells me Swinton gave an even better imitation of a choking chicken later that evening. Swinton explains that he “gets nervous around older women” and that because Kathy is a grade ahead of him, “I freeze up and become incapable of intelligent conversation.” Drew suggests that he “let the dialogue flow,” which she's obviously familiar with, being on a show where teenagers say things like “I get nervous around older women” and all. Gordon and Laurie also jump in and offer their own versions of terrible advice until Drew finally suggests that the gang meet up at the pool house to discuss further. As Swinton wanders off, Drew confides to the rest of the group that she’s only helping Swinton because she has a sociology paper and “Swinton’s problem will make the perfect subject!” Tattooed Teenage Alien Sociopaths from Beverly Hills?

Cut to the pool house, where Swinton claims he has found a program that solves his dating problems. Tinder didn’t exist yet so I can only surmise that it involved Kid Pix. We never find out, however, because the team suddenly realizes that it would be easiest if they could just tell Swinton what to say! They quickly formulate a plan to put an earpiece in him so they can feed him lines. There is also an awkward cut to Slaygar still spewing green smog, apparently in a lazy attempt to remind the viewer that you’re still watching a superhero show and not the strangest episode of Exposed you’ve ever seen. Gorganus brags that “soon, the stench from Slaygar’s toxic fumes will permeate Earth’s entire atmosphere!” Just what 90’s kids feared most: violations of the Montreal Protocol!

We return to the coffee shop, where Swinton attempts to repeat the lines given by the others, who speak into a microphone at a nearby table. Naturally, Swinton bumbles through the conversation and Kathy grows increasingly irate. The teenagers, however, soon begins to smell Slaygar’s stench and are called by Nimbar, who explains that in less than 2 hours, the entire planet will be contaminated. Worse yet, Slaygar’s toxic fumes have destabilized the power portals, so now Nimbar can only send one Galactic Sentinel to fight! None of this makes any sense, but if it means we get an episode without Knightron, sign me up. Various team members volunteer, so in order to come to an equitable resolution, the team naturally decides to draw straws that Nimbar happens to have available. 

As unsettling as it looks.

Swinton draws the short stick because of course he does, and transforms. Before he goes to face the monster, however, Nimbar conveniently informs Swinton that the monster only has one vulnerable point, located on its ears. Swinton then teleports to the battlefield to face Ross Perot Slaygar.

The fight starts off badly as Swinton gets knocked around. However, the remaining Galactic Sentinels realize that the ear piece is still intact, so they use the microphone to give valuable advice like “shoot!” and “duck!” and “find a better agent!” Nimbar disapproves, however, and dismisses the advice as “non-standard technique” because Galactic Sentinels must be on their own- “they need to sense the flow of battle and make the appropriate decisions in the field.” Geez, I thought I’d have to go to r/theredpill to get those kinds of dating metaphors. 

Eventually, the microphone breaks so Swinton cannot receive further instructions. Suddenly, he begins to clap his hands and then starts whistling, which seems to jolt Slaygar. Swinton then shoots his laser weapon at Slaygar, who collapses to the ground before being recalled by Garganus. Swinton returns and tells the group that he hypothesized that Slaygar’s ears were not located on his head, and conducted a sound experiment to locate them. What. The team praises Swinton for having “the wisdom to be himself” as they return to Beverly Hills.

Back at the coffee shop, Swinton apologizes to Kathy for their earlier conversation. She forgives him and, mimicking a conversation we all had in the 90’s, begins discussing their mutual love of computer chess. They decide to go home and set up a game. As she leaves, Kathy jokes that “my modem will call your modem,” to which Swinton responds “no, my modem will call your modem.” I felt all 56 kilobits of creepiness there.

Lesson of the Episode:

Be true to yourself, particularly when facing a monster who has his ears inexplicably located on his lower torso.

90's60's Reference of the Episode:

Watching Swinton stutter as he attempts to talk to Kathy, Drew asks “what’s with the Gomer routine?” And here I was thinking the target audience was teenagers and not, say, World War II veterans.

Joke of the Episode:

Gordon, hearing that Drew has been giving dating advice to Swinton, says “free advice is worth exactly what you pay for- nothing!” I’ll disprove that right now by advising that you not watch this episode.

Overall Review:

Why.