S1E5: Perceptions

Original Airdate: October 31, 1994

Episode Synopsis:

After his mandatory episode-opening rant about the Galactic Sentinels, Emperor Gorganus exclaims that he has found his perfect monster: Slaygar, the toxic waste monster! Lechner, Gorganus’ bird sidekick, praises Gorganus and the selection, and exclaims “he’ll raise a stink!” Oh Lechner, you Slaygar me! The monster is teleported to Earth, where he proceeds to start shooting out a green mist.

Meanwhile in Beverly Hills, Swinton is approached by a pretty classmate named Kathy, but he freezes up when she tries talking to him.  After she walks away, Swinton explains to Drew, who witnessed the scene, that he was attempting to ask Kathy out, to which Drew responds:

     That was a sad imitation of a choking chicken!

Though something tells me Swinton gave an even better imitation of a choking chicken later that evening. Swinton explains that he “gets nervous around older women” and that because Kathy is a grade ahead of him, “I freeze up and become incapable of intelligent conversation.” Drew suggests that he “let the dialogue flow,” which she's obviously familiar with, being on a show where teenagers say things like “I get nervous around older women” and all. Gordon and Laurie also jump in and offer their own versions of terrible advice until Drew finally suggests that the gang meet up at the pool house to discuss further. As Swinton wanders off, Drew confides to the rest of the group that she’s only helping Swinton because she has a sociology paper and “Swinton’s problem will make the perfect subject!” Tattooed Teenage Alien Sociopaths from Beverly Hills?

Cut to the pool house, where Swinton claims he has found a program that solves his dating problems. Tinder didn’t exist yet so I can only surmise that it involved Kid Pix. We never find out, however, because the team suddenly realizes that it would be easiest if they could just tell Swinton what to say! They quickly formulate a plan to put an earpiece in him so they can feed him lines. There is also an awkward cut to Slaygar still spewing green smog, apparently in a lazy attempt to remind the viewer that you’re still watching a superhero show and not the strangest episode of Exposed you’ve ever seen. Gorganus brags that “soon, the stench from Slaygar’s toxic fumes will permeate Earth’s entire atmosphere!” Just what 90’s kids feared most: violations of the Montreal Protocol!

We return to the coffee shop, where Swinton attempts to repeat the lines given by the others, who speak into a microphone at a nearby table. Naturally, Swinton bumbles through the conversation and Kathy grows increasingly irate. The teenagers, however, soon begins to smell Slaygar’s stench and are called by Nimbar, who explains that in less than 2 hours, the entire planet will be contaminated. Worse yet, Slaygar’s toxic fumes have destabilized the power portals, so now Nimbar can only send one Galactic Sentinel to fight! None of this makes any sense, but if it means we get an episode without Knightron, sign me up. Various team members volunteer, so in order to come to an equitable resolution, the team naturally decides to draw straws that Nimbar happens to have available. 

As unsettling as it looks.

Swinton draws the short stick because of course he does, and transforms. Before he goes to face the monster, however, Nimbar conveniently informs Swinton that the monster only has one vulnerable point, located on its ears. Swinton then teleports to the battlefield to face Ross Perot Slaygar.

The fight starts off badly as Swinton gets knocked around. However, the remaining Galactic Sentinels realize that the ear piece is still intact, so they use the microphone to give valuable advice like “shoot!” and “duck!” and “find a better agent!” Nimbar disapproves, however, and dismisses the advice as “non-standard technique” because Galactic Sentinels must be on their own- “they need to sense the flow of battle and make the appropriate decisions in the field.” Geez, I thought I’d have to go to r/theredpill to get those kinds of dating metaphors. 

Eventually, the microphone breaks so Swinton cannot receive further instructions. Suddenly, he begins to clap his hands and then starts whistling, which seems to jolt Slaygar. Swinton then shoots his laser weapon at Slaygar, who collapses to the ground before being recalled by Garganus. Swinton returns and tells the group that he hypothesized that Slaygar’s ears were not located on his head, and conducted a sound experiment to locate them. What. The team praises Swinton for having “the wisdom to be himself” as they return to Beverly Hills.

Back at the coffee shop, Swinton apologizes to Kathy for their earlier conversation. She forgives him and, mimicking a conversation we all had in the 90’s, begins discussing their mutual love of computer chess. They decide to go home and set up a game. As she leaves, Kathy jokes that “my modem will call your modem,” to which Swinton responds “no, my modem will call your modem.” I felt all 56 kilobits of creepiness there.

Lesson of the Episode:

Be true to yourself, particularly when facing a monster who has his ears inexplicably located on his lower torso.

90's60's Reference of the Episode:

Watching Swinton stutter as he attempts to talk to Kathy, Drew asks “what’s with the Gomer routine?” And here I was thinking the target audience was teenagers and not, say, World War II veterans.

Joke of the Episode:

Gordon, hearing that Drew has been giving dating advice to Swinton, says “free advice is worth exactly what you pay for- nothing!” I’ll disprove that right now by advising that you not watch this episode.

Overall Review:

Why.