S1E4: Switch

Original Airdate: October 24, 1994

Episode Synopsis:

Emperor Gorganus and Lechner begin the episode by plotting against the Galactic Sentinels, this time by “hitting them at the source – the portals!” Gorganus explains that if he sabotages the portals and lures the Sentinels into them, “I can sabotage the Sentinels themselves!” He chooses a monster, Voldek, to carry out his plot. Keep in mind that Fargo was still two years away, so hiring an Eastern European to do your dirty work was still a novelty.

Back in Beverly Hills, Gordon eyes a girl as she passes by him in the school hallway and says “whoa!” Laurie witnesses the event and berates Gordon for not having “a little more self-control.” Gordon defends himself with the following:

     “What’s so wrong with appreciating a fine girl? She obviously eats up 
      the attention.”

When Laurie asks that he stop “acting like such a Neanderthal,” Gordon continues:

     “Typical gender brainwashing. Men are tougher, more adventurous, 
      and natural born leaders.”

Who wrote this episode, David Wooderson? Suddenly, the team’s tattoos start glowing and they jump into the portal, which appears in the women’s bathroom. Gordon and Swinton initially refuse to enter, worrying that doing so would break school rules. Sorry guys, you’ll only gonna find true bathroom equality on Tattooed Teenage Alien Fighters from Berkeley.

The team eventually arrives and Nimbar explains that they must stop Voldek. In response, Gordon says “I hope he isn’t more charged up than last time” and Nimbar warns that Voldek’s electrical output is now “twice as powerful and twice as deadly.” You’ve probably noticed that we’re only in episode 4 and have yet to encounter Voldek, which means this episode was aired out of order. With superhero continuity issues this bad I had to confirm that Bryan Singer didn't write this episode.

The teenagers transform into Galactic Sentinels and face Voldek, but he quickly teleports away, possibly to Vladivostok. The team returns to Nimbar confused but confident that they defeated him, though Nimbar remains skeptical. The Sentinels return to Beverly Hills and come to a startling discovery- they have switched bodies! Specifically, Gordon switches with Laurie and Drew switches with Swinton. Swinton-in-Drew’s-body explains that there has been a “gender transference,” and the group decides that they need to tell Nimbar about the problem. However, they suddenly realize that communication is “unidirectional,” meaning if the tattoo ain’t rockin’, don’t come knockin’. They decide to wait for Nimbar to call and, in the meantime, do their best to act like one another so as not to arouse suspicion.

What follows is a genuinely creepy set of sequences where the gang struggles to fit into their new bodies. First, Swinton’s father comes to pick up Swinton from the coffee shop, and Drew quickly asks the real Swinton for any information she might need to know when she goes to his house. Swinton-in-Drew’s-body tells her that his brother likes to crawl into bed with him at night, but has a tendency for wetting the bed. We’ve never met his brother, so I’m gonna go ahead and assume he’s younger than 5 to keep this synopsis from getting really dark. Meanwhile, one of Gordon’s friends stops by and thanks Laurie-but really Gordon- for helping him with his homework, and proceeds to kiss her/him on the lips. They don’t say what class it was for but I get the feeling he’s getting an A in Sexual Harassment 101. Meanwhile, Swinton neglects to serve customers in the coffee shop, showing that Drew is a terrible waitress regardless of who is controlling her body.

Meanwhile, Gorganus decides to put the Galactic Sentinels’ new roles to the test by sending a truly formidable foe- Alfred Kinsey! Wait, sorry, he actually just sends Voldek back out to Earth. The Sentinels are finally called by Nimbar, who explains that he couldn’t call the Sentinels earlier because his portal was going “haywire” and that Voldek’s electrical charges ionized their portals, causing the gender transference. Of course, some say that portal gender transferences are natural occurrences and besides, who cares whether it’s natural or caused by evil galactic emperors, but we’ll leave that discussion for another time. Nimbar suggests that transforming again will reverse the effect, but warns that the Sentinels might not be effective fighters in their present state. Well, it only took a gender transference for Nimbar to express concern about sending teenagers to fight large monsters, but it’s a start.

The fighting begins per usual and the team decides to call Knightron, but Gorganus claims that it’s too late. I was hoping this would allude to some sort of plot twist that would actually inject some novelty into the typical fight sequence, but alas, the team transforms into Knightron and promptly defeats Voldek. Gorganus complaints that it is impossible, but he just learned a valuable lesson in how much humanity can accomplish when writers lack imagination. The team teleports back to Nimbar and finds that they are now back in each other’s normal bodies. Gordon, learning a valuable lesson, says he will “never say a woman’s place is in the home- it’s wherever they want it to be.” Friedan, Steinem, Gordon Henley.

The team returns to school and leave the women’s bathroom, only to encounter the school principal. The Sentinels hastily come up with a story- the girls saw a rat and screamed, so the men had to go into the bathroom to save them. Under the circumstances, they claim, it was “necessary for them to be there” because “men are so much better at these things than we are.” Just what the kids love, an action series ending an episode with an ironic joke about gender roles.

Gorganus' next monster: a Title VII lawsuit!

Lesson of the Episode:

Don’t let your parents tell you that a class in Gender Studies is a waste of your tuition.

90's60's Reference of the Episode:

After being transferred into Laurie’s body, Gordon complains that he’s now “a better candidate for Sarah Lawrence than Princeton.” 

Joke of the Episode:

The lights in the school flicker and Gordon suggests that it was caused by “the girls in Home Ec blowing up another oven.” Drew counters that it’s “more likely the boys in shop playing with their little power tools.” Ouch, right in the masculinity.

Overall Review:

OK this actually wasn’t a terrible episode, mostly because Gordon-in-Laurie’s-body is genuinely funny at times. The acting after the gender transference is overdone to emphasize the team’s mannerisms, which seems to be intentional and really adds to the lightheartedness of the episode, all of which almost compensates for the usual Knightron cop-out. Still, if Swinton’s brother turns out to be 15 then disregard the above.

S1E3: How Time Flies

Original Airdate: October 17, 1994

Episode Synopsis:

I'm in a rush this week and you know how this episode starts so let's just jump to the monster Emperor Gorganus chooses: The Sorcerer, who has the power to alter time. Geez, everyone was trying to jump on the Timecop wagon. Gorganus sends The Sorcerer to Earth and explains that "if time isn't consistent, everything determined by it will be destroyed." This scene felt like it took two hours, so I'm not complaining.

Back at a coffee shop in Beverly Hills, Drew complains that Laurie is sitting around not ordering anything. I realized I haven't explained this yet, mostly because the show hasn't explained it, but apparently Drew works at a coffee shop in Beverly Hills. Laurie orders a coffee, which Drew immediately provides. But Laurie complains that the coffee is cold, despite Drew insisting that it was freshly made. Gordon also complains that his doughnut is stale, but Drew again states that the donuts were baked that morning. In case you haven't gotten the theme yet, let me spell it for you: Drew is a terrible waitress. Oh, and that The Sorcerer is messing with time. Gordon also orders an iced cappuccino, which is obviously a favorite drink among teenagers, second only to literally anything else.

Meanwhile, still in the coffee shop, Laurie asks why Gordon is wearing a suit. Gordon explains that he has an "appointment" with his mother, which we're told is required because she has a busy schedule. I think I'm beginning to understand why Gordon ended up with a tattoo. The mother appears but, as soon as she arrives, abruptly gets up and leaves. In case you still haven't gotten the theme yet, I'll spell it for you again: Gordon's mom is a terrible person. Oh, and time is still being messed up. Swinton suddenly appears out of thin air, but claims that he had walked in normally. Also, Lorrie is studying for a French test but suddenly knows the entire book by heart and can speak fluently. And Swinton gets up to go to the bathroom but sees a second version of himself. I'm not really sure what this last one had to do with time, but if it gives Gordon a second Swinton to rip on, I'm all for it.

The group gathers around - yes, we're still in the coffee shop - and Swinton explains that time seems to be accelerating. Fair warning: if this episode becomes as depressing as the ending of Click, then I might not be able to finish this post. Swinton claims that he has a theory but says that he needs a sundial in order to measure the difference in solar time and clock time. Drew says she has a sundial in her backyard. In a show featuring talking blobs, ninja robot monsters, and tattooed teenage alien fighters from outer space, this was somehow the first time I couldn't suspend my disbelief.

The gang heads over, where they see a portal open momentarily. Swinton states that because time is sped up, they only have a limited window to enter the portal. The writers He also states that they will start aging quickly, which I'm assuming we'd actually see if the show hadn't blown its budget on backyard sundials. They decide that because Swinton is the youngest of the group, he should be the one to go through the portal when it reappears. I'm not feeling terribly comfortable with the eugenics vibe of the episode but in either event, he jumps in and starts discussing the problem with Swinton.

If you thought any of the above makes any difference to the plot line, then shame on you for not knowing better by now. The portal re-opens and the rest of the team jumps in. I was pretty pissed off about the writers wasting 5 minutes on a problem they never solve, until this exchange:

     Nimbar: Do I look like I'm joking?
     Drew: Truthfully, I still haven't figured out where your face is.

Which is actually pretty funny. The team transforms and does the usual dance routine/fight. At one point, The Sorcerer starts changing the weather patterns, though the only impact this seems to have is killing a few key seconds to fill the 20 minute run time. Also, in one of the most bizarre sequences in the episode, the Galactic Sentinels summon their laser weapons and fire at The Sorcerer. He destroys the weapons, so the Sentinels . . . re-summon their weapons and do the same thing again.

Comes with a surprisingly good warranty.

Following even more dancing than usual, they summon Knightron, who defeats The Sorcerer. The Sentinels return to Nimbar and Gordon asks "is time back on our side?" Nimbar states that things are indeed back to normal, except for Patti giving birth to a ten pound baby boy. 

The gang returns to the coffee shop, where Gordon prepares for another appointment with his mother, hopefully one arranged by child services. Drew then asks for the time and gets three different answers from Laurie, Swinton and Gordon. They all look around in suspense as the credits roll.

Lesson of the Episode:

Appreciate the time you have in life, because it might be taken from you by an evil galactic sorcerer. Or something.

90's Reference of the Episode:

Sundials in backyards.

Joke of the Episode:

Swinton asks the gang whether they'd seen him walk into the coffee shop, to which Gordon replies "no, otherwise I would have gotten up and left." I blame the mother.

Overall Review:

If time flies when you're having fun then this episode was the equivalent of a root canal.

S1E2: The Note

Original Airdate: October 10, 1994

Episode Synopsis:

In what I suspect is going to be a trend, the episode begins with Emperor Gorganus discussing his plans to take over Earth with his pet bird Lechner listening on.  Gorganus comes up with the brilliant idea of sending another monster to defeat the Galactic Sentinels, and chooses Neuragula, a monster with only arms, legs, and a giant brain.  Neuragula has the power to emit audible shrieks, though they're really fake and just there to teach us about obedience to authority.

Back in Beverly Hills, Drew complains to Gordon that they were forced to become Galactic Sentinels and that "we didn't choose it of our own free will."  In case that didn't sound like something a high schooler would typically say, don't worry because Drew proceeds to channel her inner Marx with the following lines:

     Discontent is the first step in the progress of a person or a nation

     My philosophy is my own - yours has been handed down 
     from one elitist generation to the next.

     I have a problem being a pawn to social conformity and rules.

Jesus, I'm already dreading the episode where she discovers Vonnegut.  Gordon retorts that Drew is "a conformist in her non-conformity," though I think kids these days just say "I know that you're a non-conforming conformist, but what am I?"  Gordon insists that he does not follow peer pressure but instead "acts the way I do because it's the right way to act."  Though if Gordon actually knew the right way to act, I doubt he'd be on this show.

Meanwhile, Laurie, who I didn't even remember was a character until this very moment, asks Swinton to give a book to Gordon.  As Laurie walks away, Drew suggests that they play a trick on Gordon to show that he is a "slave to peer pressure."  She convinces Swinton to copy Laurie's handwriting and attach a fake note to the book.  The note reads:

     To the man I most admire:

     While I've always thought of you as rigid, uptight, and a rule follower, 
     I now realize you'd break loose and forget the rules to be at my side 
     if you knew I needed you.

It's no Coleridge but it's enough to fool Gordon.  Feeling free-spirited, he begins talking to Laurie but is interrupted when Laurie's tattoo begins to beep.  Gordon decides to join as well, ostensibly because he wants to break the rules but more likely because he isn't the only one creeped out by the idea of leaving a high school girl alone with a creepy blob dude in another dimension.

Both jump through the portal and appear before Nimbar, who asks why Gordon is totally killing his game.  Gordon confidently states that he can break rules, which obviously won't be a recurring theme in this episode.  Nimbar tells both of them that a "solar storm" is hindering his ability to see Earth, so requests that they go on a reconnaissance mission.  However, he emphasizes that they are not to engage any monsters they encounter.  They transform and are teleported to yet another desert location, where they encounter Neuragula.  Gordon unsurprisingly - unsurprising because the writers would have made you take this point to your grave if they could - decides to break the rules again and fight the monster, but is quickly defeated.  

Meanwhile, back at school, Comrade Drew and Swinton are called to assist. They visit Nimbar, who expresses outrage over Gordon disobeying orders. Swinton tries to confess about their prank, but Drew stops him by declaring him an enemy of the state and sending him to the gulag.  They transport to the desert and do a few random flips for a bit before they all return to Nimbar.

The gang attempts to figure out a way to defeat the screaming brain monster. Swinton realizes that the monster is channeling its power from the brain's two hemispheres (one which focuses on logic, we are told, and the other on emotions), which work in tandem.  If they can trick the two halves into acting differently, Swinton surmises, they can disrupt the monster and defeat him.

The Galactic Sentinels return to the battlefield and engage the monster, which consists of using their weapons and doing some more flips for a bit. Now remember that game plan they devised?  Good because the team totally disregards it and simply transforms into Knightron.  Apparently Nimbar gave the teenagers the additional ability to give a middle finger to the audience. Knightron promptly blows up the monster.

The teenagers return to Nimbar's lair, where Drew and Swinton confess.  Drew explains that she was just trying to prove that Gordon could be influenced by peer pressure, though we already know this because someone must have told him it was a good career move to be on this show.  Nimbar chastises the team for the harm they could have caused, and they return to Beverly Hills.

Lesson of the Episode:

If you scored a 3 or higher on the AP Psych exam, you'd have been qualified to write for this show.

90's Reference of the Episode:

Swinton asks Gordon if he's "heard the big news." Gordon sarcastically responds "Smashing Pumpkins wants you to sing lead vocals?" Swinton proceeds to feel melancholy and the infinite sadness.

Joke of the Episode:

Swinton shows off his "electronic date book," to which Gordon asks "do you have any dates to put in it?" You know, in case Gordon wasn't already your favorite character.

Overall Review:

The most disturbing exploration of the human brain since The Bell Jar.

S1E1: In The Beginning

Original Airdate: October 3, 1994

Episode Synopsis:
The series kicks off in space, where we are introduced to Rita Repulsa Emperor Gorganus, the series antagonist, and his pet bird Lechner, who looks like a cross between Salacious B. Crumb and the talking bird from The Flintstones movie, as illustrated below:

=

    +  

An underling provides Gorganus a map, showing "the focal point of the power portals," and Gorganus pretends to appreciate the gesture until he notes that the underlying failed to kill Nimbar, whatever that means.  Gorganus expresses his disappointment by sentencing the underlying to 40 years banishment in some alien mines.  I'll be honest, we're 2 minutes into the episode and I had to rewind four times to figure out (1) what the characters were talking about and (2) why I couldn't think of anything more productive to do with my life.

Gorganus explains to Lechner that Earth is the "key" and that he could use the plant to push the boundaries of his empire.  Lechner asks the obvious:

"Are you going to disintegrate it like you did to Akbelin of the Everleer galaxy?"

Which already sounds like a more interesting story than what proceeds.  No, says Gorganus, who instead decides to conquer the planet, and then the galaxy. He proceeds to do so by sending down Ninja Bot, "the samurai robot."  Ninja Bot is teleported to some unnamed desert, where he destroys power lines and large stone structures with his sword.

Still more historically accurate than The Last Samurai.

We are finally taken to Beverly Hills, where we meet the first of our protagonists, Swinton Sawyer. Swinton is there with his father, who expresses worry about his son.  Apparently Swinton's physics teacher called because he failed to do an assignment, though Swinton quickly clarifies that he accepted the assignment but refused to "collaborate with other students."  I'd imagine if I told you now that he'll learn in the next 15 minutes the importance of teamwork, you'd stop reading and I could go on with my life, but let's pretend we're interested for a bit.  Swinton obstinately refuses to accept that he will need to work with others, noting that "Einstein worked alone."  Ladies and gentlemen, the only time you will ever hear "Einstein" and "Tattooed Teenage Alien Fighters from Outer Space" in the same sentence.

Swinton's father suggests that he work with three students: Laurie Foster, Gordon Henley, and Drew Vincent.  Swinton immediately protests that "they're not dedicated physics majors" as we quickly recognize that Swinton's lack of friends might not have exactly been his choice.  Nevertheless, Swinton relents as we move to Gordon's house.  Swinton wanders in with a large science project, which he says he already finished: a machine dedicated to detecting the amount of secondary cigarette smoke is in the air, something that apparently would have been useful in the 90's, Michael Bloomberg be damned.  Gordon touches the project, which suddenly creates a mysterious portal.  Which is obviously unrealistic: we all know the only thing that comes out of science projects is parental disappointment.

Drew decides to jump in, and the others soon follow.  They end up in a strange room, where Gordon remarks that they certainly deserve extra credit, which is actually pretty funny.  They encounter a large blob named Zordon Nimbar. Seriously, it's a blob.

Nimbar, voiced by Glenn Shadix, welcomes the teenagers and, as you may have guessed, proceeds to dance to the Banana Boat Song.   No, wait- he actually states that he is Head Protector of the Power Portals and Counselor to the Galactic Sentinals, or something, and that he brought the teenagers in order to stop Gorganus, who previously tried to kill Nimbar in order to retrieve the map of the Power Portals. Gorganus ended up with the map, but not before Nimbar escaped, presumably by sticking to the bottom of someone's shoe.

Nimbar explains that Power Portals allow beings to transport instantly, and that Earth is the focal point of the Power Portals within the galaxy.  Gorganus wants to take over the planet to use the Portals to take over the universe, so the teenagers must become Galactic Sentinals by using their tattoos from the Order of the Galactic Sentinel.  When they point out that they have no tattoos, Nimbar puts them on their arms, thereby giving them the power of limited job prospects. 

Nimbar then instructs the teenagers to fight Ninja Bot, who at this point has probably really hurt tourism in Arches National Park.  When Swinton points out the obvious -- namely, that none of this makes sense and holy god how were kids expected to keep up with this -- Nimbar explains that each teenager was chosen because of their personality, and that each will become a Galactic Sentinel  associated with the traits exhibited in constellations.  Gordon becomes Taurus, Swinton becomes Apollo, Drew becomes Centaur, and Laurie becomes Scorpio.  The Sentinels are then told that your artistic side is fully engaged with the world today, and you should be able to see your immediate situation in a new way. That could lead to a much rosier outcome if you stay positive.

The teenagers shout their names and are transformed into muscular, awkwardly dressed versions of themselves.

They are immediately transported to the desert, where they fight Ninja Bot against the backdrop of a generic 90's rock song.  I won't bore you with the details, to the extent one can provide details beyond "they jump a lot," but eventually Ninja Bot is knocked down.  Gorganus, watching the fight, powers up Ninja Bot, who turns the tide of battle.  So I guess we know the real antagonist is Don King.  The Sentinels react by combining into Megazord Knightron, who promptly defeats Ninja Bot.

The Sentinels return to Nimbar, who explains that their identities must be kept secret to prevent Gorganus from finding them, and from their friends discovering that this was the only television work they could get. Nimbar also clarifies for the viewer, since this is the pilot after all, that the Sentinels only stopped one of Gorganus' many monsters, and that the Sentinels won't be able to use Knightron in every fight because apparently Nimbar likes lying to people.

The Sentinels portal home to Earth, while Gorganus promises to reprogram Ninja Bot because of lazy writing.  The gang decides that to keep their powers a secret, they shouldn't talk to each other in school, which is probably good because galactic overlords are obviously known for their up-to-date familiarity with teenage social scenes.  The Sentinels are then called for another fight and the credits roll.

Overall Review:
I'm also going to try to lay off jokes about the obviously poor production values, for fear of indulging on too much low hanging fruit, but suffice it to say Glenn Shadix didn't take any pay cuts to help out with the budget.